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The air of mystery present at 4 in the morning added a nice touch.

Photo Cred: Albert Chang

The Girl With the Tattoo on Her Heart

“When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep.”

I’ll admit it, I’m one of the most introspective people out there. In my experience, however, it isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes I just get so trapped inside my mind, trying to figure out my thoughts and trying to make sense of my emotions. The one thing that I always try to figure out, no matter how hard I try to push it aside, is the explanation for why I have this overwhelming layer of paranoia and skepticism blocking my ability to be careless and happy. I want to know why I have a tendency to sabotage things that have the potential to be great before they have the opportunity to. I don’t want to have this sense of disillusionment and lack of self-confidence taking precedence in my mind. After countless nights pondering what is hindering my ability to let loose, I may have narrowed it down to one event that changed my outlook completely. I don’t like to blame my issues on other people, but I will never forget how let down and disillusioned I felt after one person shot my hopes straight up to the sky, then crushed them completely, along with my self-esteem and faith. The scar he left hasn’t healed in over two years, and somehow, it’s throbbing more than ever. It feels like everything is out of my reach, and dreaming doesn’t even satisfy my hopeful desires anymore. This is by far the saddest realization I’ve ever come to, for I still reminisce about my free-spirit from when I was younger, and the immense and wild dreams that came along with it. I would spend hours daydreaming about the future and all the possibilities it could bring. So screw you, for taking away my only sense of satisfaction: my insatiable desire to dream. All I want to do is go back to dreaming about paradise.

sighh

What happened to us?

As much as I try to eliminate the painful thought from my mind, not a single day passes with the absence of this thought. I never in my wildest dreams imagined us falling apart like this.

Descent with Modification

There’s a certain milestone that is reached at some point in adolescence. Parents always say how their kids “never listen to them” or “always talk back,” as if it’s a bad thing. As if we’re supposed to blindly follow and agree each and every thing they tell us. With no disrespect whatsoever, because I love my parents, but they’re humans too, and there is not a single human on the face of the earth that is always correct. Obviously our parent’s ideals which they instilled in us from childhood play a huge role in the way we think and our perspective, but as we get older, we gain the power of listening to our own vantage point, and seeing things in a different light than how our parents taught us. Becoming a teenager doesn’t have to be analogous with thinking we’re always right and everything our parents say is complete blasphemy; rather, it’s developing a filter which helps us decide whether to listen to or ignore what our parents tell us. I know it’s hard for them to accept that we have our own opinions, but this should make them proud, rather than make them feel diminished. It’s a valuable trait to be able to speak our own opinion, and what better way to start than with your parents?

Since my blog is a little boring lately…

I guess I’ll do another Tumblr challenge.

Day one (May 10): The meaning behind your Tumblr Wordpress name:

Since there isn’t anything really creative to conjure up with my name, I just went for a plain and simple first name&last name

Day two (May 11): How have you changed in the past two years?

Well physically speaking, I don’t think I’ve really changed much. On the other hand, I believe my personality and my strength have greatly altered recently. Two years ago I didn’t exactly have a strong moral compass, nor was I able to take critiques without letting them falter my confidence. I must admit that last year I felt slightly more confident than I am now, although I haven’t exactly been able to pinpoint why that is. The greatest change I have noticed in the last two years is my strength, because I’ve had to overcome a multitude of things being thrown my way, and although at the time it seemed like there was no way to persevere, I made it somehow.

Day three (May 12): What kind of person attracts you?

I’m more picky in what I look for in a guy personality-wise, however I find that I have an affinity towards light-colored eyes with an athletic build and I have a weakness for really tall guys Most importantly, however, I love guys who can make me laugh. If a guy possesses the ability to put a smile on my face, I’m sold. Being able to carry on a conversation is also very very very important. I hate when there are awkward pauses and you have to fish for something to say in order to keep the conversation going. Spontaneity is very attractive too, because I’m always up for doing new things and I like a guy that’s creative with where they take me.

Day four (May 13): What do you wear to bed?

Well when it’s cold I usually wear flannel pajama bottoms with a t-shirt and of course my fuzzy socks As soon as it starts to get warm I trade the flannels in for a pair of boxer shorts typically.

Day five (May 14): 5 thinks that irritate you about the opposite/same sex?

Things that irritate me about boys: They’re not very clear about their emotions/it’s hard to tell what they think. They feel very superior about certain things, and can be stubborn about it. A lot of them are afraid of commitment. A lot of the decisions they make are based on immediate satisfaction, with no regard to the big picture. Sometimes they just think about one thing…

Things that irritate me about girls: They complain about their bodies waaay too much. They gossip a lot. They can make a huge deal out of nothing. They enjoy watching/creating dramatic situations. They’re excellent at putting on fake personalities.

(Of course these are all very big generalizations; not all of my guy and girl friends are like this, but these are just some traits I’ve seen in some guys/girls that have bothered me.)

Day six (May 15): The person you like and why you like them?

To be completely honest, I don’t really like anyone at the moment. I haven’t had that butterflies-in-your-stomach, school-girl-smile, in a long long time. By all means, it’s one less thing to worry about and stress over, but sometimes you kind of long for that feeling again. Then again, I haven’t felt like that in an extremely long time, so maybe the anticipation is adding to the exaggeration.

Day seven (May 16): Your opinion on cheating on people?

Personally, I think cheating is the lowest thing a person could ever stoop to. If the love and interest is gone in the relationship, rather than breaking the other person’s heart by cheating on them, it would be a lot less painful to just end the relationship. I’ve been cheated on twice, and I’ve never cheated on anyone nor do I ever plan to. Just knowing how much it hurt me personally, I would never inflict that heartache onto another person.

Day eight (May 17): Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality, or someone beautiful with a plain personality?

Without a doubt-someone plain with an amazing personality. Looks eventually fade; personalities don’t. Besides, falling for someone simply for their looks is very shallow…

Day nine (May 18): Your last kiss?

Heh, well what can I say about it. It was a fun kiss with someone I enjoyed to kiss? I’ll put it like that. It was a fun kiss, the one that makes you feel all happy during and after and makes you want more. As weird as that sounds…

Day ten (May 19): Your views on drugs and alcohol? 

I really lose respect for people who do drugs. Which is unfortunate because a lot of my friends have experimented with them, and I don’t want to lose respect for people I truly care about, but I wouldn’t abandon my morals for anybody. I don’t have any interest in trying any kind of drug because I have a very negative connotation associated with any type of drug. I understand teenagers being “curious” and wanting to experiment, but honestly if you’re smart enough, you know it’s bad for you without having to take it for a test-run.

As for alcohol, I don’t see a problem with it as long as people can regulate themselves and not drink every day to get fucked up. Alcohol has been used for centuries to propose toasts, to celebrate, and to liven parties. Perhaps the fact that it’s not illegal makes it OK in my mind, but as for anything, it’s ok in moderation.

Day 11 (May 20): Your current relationship; if single, discuss how single life is:

I have been single for almost three years, and it definitely has it’s ups and downs. There are plenty of times when I long for some companionship or simply someone to cuddle with and call mine, but there are a lot of other days when I’m thankful that I don’t have someone I need to check in with all the time. Relationships can be great, but after a while (at least in my experiences), they become a lot of work. Sometimes the work is worth it, if it makes you happy, but other times it takes a toll on your happiness. As for right now, I honestly don’t know what I want. I do want a boyfriend sometimes, yet other times I want to be single. I think mainly I’m a little scared, because after being single for so long, I’m not sure if I’d remember what to do when in a relationship, and I’m sure it would take a while for me to become re-accustomed to the whole commitment thing.

Day twelve (May 21): What is your favorite quote?

Man, I really do have a lot of favorite quotes that I try to live my life by. I’ll add to this whenever more of them come in mind, but here are a few:

“Life’s too short to live the same day twice.”

“Life’s not measured in the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.”

Day thirteen (May 22): A date you would love to go on?

An ideal date for me would be a real spontaneous one. Nothing necessarily planned, but a day filled with heat-of-the-moment decisions. I would love to spend a day at the beach, or have a picnic on the beach or go dancing somewhere. They’re just those dates you see in the movies but that are almost unheard of in real life.

Day fourteen (May 23): Screenshot your desktop

I’ll do this later haha

Day fifteen (May 24): The best thing to happen to you this week?

Well I’ve barely had time to do anything this week due to the obscene amount of projects and essays all due and due to the minimal amount of sleep I’ve been getting. However, yesterday I got to see my best friend Morgan, who I haven’t seen in over a week and that made me really happy

Day sixteen (May 25): 3 things you are proud of about your personality?

I really like my honesty. I’ll admit sometimes I’m really blunt and it puts me in awkward situations, but I’m proud that I’m able to be honest no matter what the circumstances are. Also, I like my sense of humor because it’s really sarcastic and witty (or so I’ve been told). Hmm also I like how I can be really free-spirited and spontaneous-I’m always up for new things.

Day seventeen (May 26):Things that make you scared:

Well my greatest fears are snakes, sharks, and the idea of being pulled under the water when in the ocean by some giant fish. Also dying from drowning scares the shit out of me. It just seems like the most painful and slow way to die. But I’m also kind of scared of not being in control. I know it sounds like such a psychotic, control-freak thing to say, but it’s truly the scariest thing in the world to not be in control of your body, your fate, or your life.

Day eighteen (May 27): What are some little things that make you feel warm and fuzzy?

I love the unexpected things that put a smile on your face and brighten your day. Not just compliments, but knowing someone’s thinking about you and knowing that you’re special for them. I love spontaneous little surprises that remind you that someone cares about you. I remember I used to get a text every morning from this guy that said “Good morning Beautiful ” and it just enabled me to start my day with a smile on my face.

Day nineteen (May 28): Something that never fails to make you feel better:

Typically when I’m feeling kinda tired and down, if I go for a run or go to the gym it always cheers me up. The best remedy for a bad day is a grueling hill workout where you’re constantly pushed to the breaking point, making you want to quit, want to give up. But you don’t, because at the end of the run, do you wanna say, “damn, I almost made it…next time I’ll do it?” Or do you wanna say, “Hell yeah, that was a tough workout and I kicked it’s ass?” I’ll go for the latter.

Another sure way to make me feel better is to talk to my best friend Morgan. She must have some magical healing powers because no matter how crappy I’m feeling, she’s always capable of putting a smile on my face and putting me back on my feet. She’s my angel.

Day twenty (May 30): The last argument you had:

Hmm the last disagreement I can remember was earlier today when me and my mother got in yet another argument over what I want to do in the future. We’ve had this fight plenty of times-I have this dream of moving to Europe either for college or after I’ve completed university, and she keeps assuring me that life would be so much easier if I remained in the States. You would think she has every right to tell me this, seeing as she has lived in both places, but she moved to the States right after she got married, so she never had the opportunity to live on her own in Italy. I like to take risks, because that’s the only way to get the greatest reward. I know it would be hard and I know it would put me outside of my comfort zone, but it’s something I’m willing to try.

Day twenty one (May 31): A picture of your handwriting:

Day twenty two (June 1): 10 things about you people don’t really expect:

1. I can’t roll my “r’s”
2. I love to watch Top Gear and learn more about cars from my brother and dad
3. I go to the gym at least 4-5 times a week
4. I really love history
5. I’ve secretly always wished I had the ability to dance
6. As nerdy as it sounds, sometimes when I’m truly bored and have nothing to do, I do extra Spanish activities in our workbook for fun…:P
7. I have a journal that I try to write in often, or whenever I’m feeling inspired
8. I have a really close relationship with a lot of family members
9. One thing I want to do in the next few years is go to Def Qon 1 or Qlimax when it’s in Amsterdam
10. The first time I was on a plane, I was 5 months old (I ran out of ideas -__-)

Day twenty three (June 2): Something you always think “what if…” about:

I apologize for being so wistful and nostalgic about Italy in the majority of my posts, but a thought that often crosses my mind is, what if my parents didn’t move to the United States? On one hand, I think I would miss out on a lot of opportunities and I probably wouldn’t appreciate diversity as much if I never came to America. On the other hand, I think I would have had a more enjoyable life filled with more culture and more love. I always heard how much my grandparents hated having their grandchildren live in another country, but I never fully understood it until I realized how quickly my little cousins are growing, and I don’t even have the opportunity to see them grow. I still remember the night before I left to come back to the U.S when I went to say goodbye to my little cousin Sara, and when I picked her up in my arms she looked at me with puppy dog eyes and said, “When are you gonna be back again?” and after I responded with “six months,” I could see the sadness in her eyes. Not only is she growing up, but my amazing grandparents never got to see me and Luca’s first steps, our first time on a bike, our graduations, etc and it truly makes me sad. I’m definitely grateful for the opportunities my parents gave us, but I can’t help but wondering how different everything would have been.

Day twenty four (June 3): Things you want to say to 5 different people:

1) You’ve hella changed recently…I’m not sure if it’s for the good or for the worst

2) I wish we saw each other more often, I really miss you

3) Thanks for never being judgmental and always being there for me, you’re the most genuine person I know

4) I wish you guys wouldn’t exclude me as much when we’re supposed to be a team

5) I’m gonna miss you sooo much next year I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you

Day twenty five (June 4): 10 ways to win my heart:

1) Always being up for doing something new

2) Can carry a conversation really well

3) Surprising me with the little things

4) Paying attention/noticing the little things

5) Standing up for me in front of others

6) Not being afraid to hold my hand/show affection in front of others

7) Showing that you want to spend time with me

8) Being completely honest

9) Getting along with other people who mean a lot to me

10) Taking me on dates

Day twenty six (June 5): Your religious beliefs:

I was baptized in a Catholic church in Italy, and while most Italians are Catholic and my parents went through all the Catholic ceremonies, religion was never forced upon my brother and I. We were raised with Catholic ideals, but we were never forced to attend Church or have a first communion or anything. I definitely want to get married in a Church when I get older, preferably the same one where my parents and my uncle got married. I’m grateful it was never forced upon me, because then I think I would have rejected it more, whereas now I’m open to the idea of a God as well as I appreciate how there are different religions, and a certain one isn’t necessarily the correct one.

Day twenty seven (June 6): Talk about your siblings:

Well…I have one brother, Luca. If I were to write this post a year ago, the tone would definitely be different, because I feel we had a much closer relationship last year. It really pains me to say this, but I feel like we’ve somewhat drifted apart. I still don’t know how it happened; I definitely wouldn’t account it to him leaving for college, because I still see him very very often. I feel like somewhere along the road, there was a rift in our trust. Again, I feel bad saying it, but I feel like based on some of the things that have happened to us in the past, I can’t trust him as much as I thought I could. That being said, my brother is a guy I definitely look up to. He’s a very passionate person; between his running and his ability to unconditionally love his friends. I definitely think he has flaws, but every human being does. There are some things I wish I could change, but it’s impossible to change people when they’re so deep set on their ways. I love my brother, and always will, I just hope this “phase” ends soon, because I miss the way things used to be.

Day twenty eight (June 7): The month you were happiest this year and why:

I was probably happiest around February-March because I was having a successful track season, which heavily plays a role on my happiness. However, later on in the season after I somewhat died out, I was definitely less happy. I’ve been really happy in June because it was the end of a tough year and it’s finally summer!

Day twenty nine (June 8): A picture of yourself:

this is right after I got back from the gym but ok haha

Day thirty (June 9): What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month:

The most significant thing that I can think of that changed this month is that I’ve been far more relaxed. Well, with the exception of the first two weeks when I was studying for finals…but after finals I felt like I could finally breathe again. This year was extremely stressful for me as I was faced with tougher classes and the thought of SATs and colleges. So I’m definitely glad I have a break from all that now. I hope that next month I just enjoy my summer!

Is it selfish…

to feel like you’ve been replaced? To have an iota of jealousy in your heart because you feel like that one position you thought you’d always hold is being replaced by someone else? I can’t figure out if this is a normal emotion to be feeling or if I’m overreacting.

Protected: This is Me Swallowing My Pride

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It kinda hurts when…

It seems like the people you envisioned always being with you begin to slowly drift away. The only person you thought you knew inside and out, apparently has something deeper inside that they’re keeping hidden away from you, but not from somebody else. All this time you had this notion built up in your mind that what you feel about them is the same as what they feel about you, but apparently there’s a discrepancy there. It kinda sucks to be the last one to know the lock when the door has changed.

On another, perhaps less selfish note, what hurts even more is seeing other girls beat themselves up over body image. I guess it’s a topic that hits close to home with me, because I know the malicious impact it can have on your life. Beauty isn’t measured in dress or bra sizes, but in heart size. I’ve seen so many girls with the biggest hearts beat themselves up over fitting into size 00 jeans. It’s really not worth it, take it from someone who’s been there.

When

is it worth taking a risk?